Face to Face - July 2009

THIS ARTICLE COULD BE NAMED a true confession. Should you go off of me after this then I understand. What follows is from the heart and a distinct turning point in my life.

During my life time I have faced many outer and inner crises as it were, and maybe they are the same, my response to crisis. I have had many a 'dark night of the soul'. This one I am going through is shared by many of all ages and sexes, and as a collective in some instances seems the most severe.

For a few weeks now I have been experiencing being in a deep pit and no way out. It is dark, menacing and suppose depressing, yes depressing. Slowly all my best defended blog arguments against multinationals, politics, doctors and allopathic medicine, who I am and so on, have collapsed.

My very identity as a person has collapsed and I find myself without a reference or road map. In a way it is liberating, and in another way absolutely terrifying. Sitting in my local café and chatting away I observed how people were fascinated by my forensic career, my work with the EU and UN, research with NASA and science and I perceived the 613 workshops, the countless counselling, psychotherapy, the travel and the hype. Suddenly my witness self saw I enjoyed the attention and sometimes adulation and I realised this is not me anymore. A laughter took hold of me and a voice inside said 'so long Lord B------s'. I was tired of being my personality and I needed to shift into who I really am.

I fell into despondency because this had been my platform for so long. I realised I preached about the emptiness that is the real me, the witness. That observer that is impartial and free and here I was a ship adrift in the ocean, lonely, no rescue in sight, a great wave of despair. I have been in this predicament in times gone by. This felt so deep, relentless and a fear crept into my very bones, waking up at night or morning teeth chattering and a belly full of cramps.

A vision came when meditating. Five pillars appeared, more like plinths, or Egyptian Temple type structures and each one a platform and on these a series of concepts. The BASE however had feelings. The first was my dearest late mother and her fear and depression, which came to me in the womb and then in later life as a concept, I saw or felt how this had crept into my cellular memory and bones. I experienced loosing heart and getting deeper and trodden down. Interesting that my doctor who has turned out to be a gem thinks I may have a heart problem, so far ECG tests are OK. The second pillar at base had the feel of lack of self esteem, the platform shyness, not worthy and so on, and I perceived that my apparent confidence was a cover up for the sometimes socially squirming me. Comfortable as a leader and authority not as an individual in friendship and scared of intimacy.

The third pillar was lack of means, the top always short of money, never been able to make mends meet. Using the excuse that money is evil, not spiritual, and secretly envying those with abundance. The excuse I am a spiritual being and not seduced by the hedonism of materialism. Hence my venting on in the blogs. During this current process this has eased through letting go of concepts as outlined above. The fourth pillar was about Mum and Dad. The relationship was a disaster. My Father was an uncontrollable gambler and he gambled away massive sums of money of his inheritance and also was a con man extraordinaire. My late brother who was ten years older than I had his own escape mechanisms and hated my father all his life. My parents really and rarely cohabited and so there was a sexual impotency and lack of intimacy. This then affected my relationships with various female partners. My mum never had enough to buy clothes and the rent was always being chased up.

The fifth pillar was the lack of a permanent home, we always moved from pillar to post, living with relatives and sometimes in rented property. So I live in rented property all my adult life. This is not a poor me, this is liberation from deep embedded cellular memory, it is not a cry for help either.

I came to this impasse and I write this [May 12 2009] I feel like I am trapped, bound and gagged. I know that this time no one out there can help me. This is a process of letting go of 70 years of programming and conditioning. I have to take this leap into the unknown. I feel this is what the world population has to do. The new way is this awakening to the old way of living. A new way is to appear. What is this new way---God alone knows.

During this process I lost all faith in God, Life, the new energies, angels and so forth, especially in my own dowsing, and other people predictions about my medical tests, the ones taken so far are fairly OK and the ones following I have not taken at the time of writing. I have decided that should I need allopathic medication I will take it until my cataract is removed and then assess whether to carry on. An examination by my GP last November 2008 showed I have arrhythmia, this comes and goes, and so I have been advised not fly until it is sorted out. My feeling is that my heart is congested, not by plaque so much as repressed emotion. My mum died of a broken heart a dispirited life. In recent weeks as I touched on the pillar issues, especially in meditation I yawned often for lengthy periods so wide like a hippopotamus.

I know many have contacted me over similar issues and the emotional pain is severe and uncompromising. I have also seen the cover ups and when I look at the Dr Geoff Freed I now wince. Yes it is a genuine title yet I feel like it is not who I am anymore. Who am I? What am I? Also a good question. I feel this relentless pressure; I feel it in the street, the hospital, where I live. The whole world is going through heartbreak, heartache and so desperately need of change. When you read this I may or may not be in this consciousness and will if able to comment on this process.

I am tired of the old clichés, the witness, the observer, take responsibility and so on. Just to be. Just to be. How fortunate to be a tree, a flower, a sun, an animal in the wild, not contaminated by me or anyone else. I feel this urge for freedom, not from the world but to be free mentally, emotionally while living here. For whatever years left it will always be the quest until even that desire is extinguished. And when desire without depression or vitality is extinguished then a true abode maybe found. Who knows?

I went for a fasting blood test in middle May 2009. This entails fasting for 12 hours and then going to the hospital and having a several small bottles of blood taken. Afterwards I felt groggy, had some food and went home. I was relieved that as an absolute coward of any medical procedure I had endured it. After several hours at home I began to get a racing heart, missing beats, and severe breathlessness. I knew instinctively this was not an energy surge. I took myself of to A+E and was admitted immediately. The doctors and staff were magnificent, kind, reassuring and on first names. They at first thought I had a mini heart attack and then could not really be sure.

After 11 hours I was in a very noisy ward where I had to remain possibly for a few days. I had to have blood taken at 03.00 hrs in the morning. Suddenly I felt a great joy, a kind of inner peace I have felt before in emergency situations and I thanked God for the opportunity to face these, for me, terrifying procedures and possible outcomes. It has given me the courage to face more tests and procedures.

Then a most extraordinary cameo appeared on the ceiling. My deceased relatives and parents were like a slide show looking at me. I felt they had come to welcome me over the other side. I prepared myself for my passing. I said a prayer and commended my soul into Gods Care. Then my late Mother started jumping or rather running on the spot, clenching her fists and glaring at me. I realised that in that moment I had a choice of staying or going and I suppose as it is now May 18 that I chose to stay, at least for a while.

The head honcho then came with his team and said that I could go home after lunch. He wants me to have further tests, some are daunting, and I said I would do them. He kindly sent a letter to ophthalmic department to honour my cataract removal on 29th May. Then the crunch. He urged me to take an aspirin a day and a beta blocker. You know my views on allopathic medicine. I knew for a while at least, I have to take them, and as such it has lowered a huge blood pressure and stabilised the racing heart and missing beats, and feel slightly drugged but much better. Then the real blow he eventually wants me to go onto warfarin. I really may stick out of that. I will wait for the other tests. He did say that after a while if I agreed he would take me off of it, so far it would seem I will wait until after the eye op.

All my fears, my reluctance, my stance against allopathic medicine and invasive procedures have been confronted. What then are my conclusions so far? My great friend Michael and editor of energygrid said, that all things are mere arrangements of atoms, and from the quantum level there are only probabilities and possibilities and my choice or intention could be if needed to take these substances, to take them and intend their benefits without the horrendous side effects. Anyway I am taking aspirin and beta blocker, we will wait and see. Another great friend said that by turning the substances counter clockwise ten times and blessing them it gives the benefits and eliminates the nastiness. Still at this time May18 2009.

Some people have said I am a fake and that I have let them the down. Yes it is true that I have cured myself of serious things before. However, I cannot always be 'perfect'. I have never claimed enlightenment, or special powers. I have fears, am on a path of some sort of spirituality, whatever that is. I live in a modest sheltered housing block of flats and so on. I have also stated in my blogs that these powerful energies can manifest in very real mechanical and organic illness and get checked out by a doctor. Some people I know who had the above symptoms did get checked out and were all clear. I guess my body was not strong enough to take the energy and let it transmute and so it presented its relief of the stress of the new energies in the form it took. I also admit that my own fears of all things medical could have manifested the above.

We do live in a synthetic, polluted world and sometimes we need synthetic and polluted medicines and the like to neutralise it. I make no excuses and I stand by what I have written before and now. I do hope I have your love and support. I apologise if I have given the impression that I am above or arrogant and I merely reflect on what I feel. I have also stated that doctors and the like will be needed for many a year to come. The changes I experienced in the hospital stay were that they were charming, kind, attentive yet firm and deliberate. I am also working on myself and see if it can be possible to come off of all the above drugs, I do know of complimentary things like red rice yeast, natto and the like. However to get my eye done I have to conform and now I will see if I can come off of these. However I will keep on monitoring and working on it.

So where am I now [still May 2009]? I am in a kind of nowhere wilderness, the living dessert, as my old teachers named it. It is an initiation and is different from the dark night of the soul, which I wrote about some years back. The difference for me being that in the dark night there was no witness I was absorbed and caught up in the scenario as it unfolded. In the dessert, I am the witness in a pit or vast void, yet discontented. No beliefs and scepticism; 'My God why have you forsaken me?' We shall see and if still on the Earth planes when posted then there will be updates.

On a different tack. I have several god daughters and sons. In my turbulent childhood, adolescent and adulthood, relationships have never been especially intimate, and intimacy even with me has been not entirely in depth, that is growing. Recently one of my God Daughters rang and shared a very moving conversation. She has never been able to fully express her emotions, especially over the phone. She lives abroad. She invited me to do a blessing at her wedding anniversary, and I had to decline, because at this time the doctors said flying is out of the question until all tests are completed. I was overcome with a mixture of disappointment at not be able to attend and elation at the honour. Then she said she had always felt I was her real dad [I am not her biological dad] and said wonderful things, then the one that set me crying, she said that for all my knowledge, support and so forth she really, really loved me as a daughter and loved me for me. I have never had that feeling from anyone, not even from partner Gilly or girlfriends and not from my parents. I cried over the phone for nearly ten minutes. What a healing. It seemed unblock something, yes in my heart. The hospital kindness and that of my GP [now like a friend] seemed also to do something to my heart as well.

The planetary line ups of Neptune, Jupiter and Chiron on coming into alignment soon [Again May as written] and the healing power of the wounded healer is taking place, let's hope for the world too.

A sweet friend reminded me that the Dalai Lama had his gall bladder removed recently and that some very famous high Lamas have diabetes so don't be so hard on me. Another friend said 'do what it takes to get through to 2012'. May I kindly remind you that in many blogs I have said 'not much might happen in 2012 and we have windows for further chances in 2036 and 2075.

It is now June 4 2009 and after the removal of the cataract which for me was a huge event. I had to be sedated and then afterwards collapsed and had oxygen and then again in the afternoon when staying at my cousins, and now experiencing loss of balance. Well, yes I am sensitive, yes, I am coward towards medical and physical procedures, and yes I am reacting to the drugs as prescribed. Some have said that we need drugs[medically that is] to slow us down and so enabling us to absorb the faster frequencies and so thereby give a less able body time to download and complete the process. In some ways this makes sense. Yet as of now I am not sure.

Despite all the above doom and gloom there are times of great inner peace, a feeling of rebirth, a kind of living revitalising stream of energy. A kind of purity, a primordial, pristine aliveness. I can physically see this in the mirror, a facial body glow, and eyes alive and bright. Cracks are appearing in the hard dam of my conditioning. Yet the fear creeps in when the thought of intrusive medical procedures and the like. These tests will be in late July and August. Maybe the revitalising and regenerating energies will be more consistent and even rectify the irregular pulse. Maybe the pulse is irregular because we are or I am being recalibrated. Maybe the heart and metabolism is being upgraded. We shall wait and see.

I do hope you are not disgusted with my frank and hopefully honest appraisals of myself. I do this so that anyone reading this that is experiencing similar things may not feel alone and isolated. Lisa Renee. The Children of Light, Karen Bishop, Shala Mata and many others you can see at the site Spiritual Library, share similar things, not so in a personal manner, believe when I say I did not read them when I experienced the above. It was well meaning friends who sent me these to placate and assist me.

I would like to thank all those who emailed, phoned and prayed for me. Thank you for being you, thank you for not judging me and continued support. Please keep your prayers and kind thoughts going as I for you. In gratitude and love Thank You. [Written on June 4 2009].

July heralds three eclipses and it said that they after a time lapse of 14 days can by the change in vibratory rate cause significant earth changes. This will of course affect us too.

In the early eighties I worked at Marylebone Police Station [moved to behind or adjacent to Cumberland Hotel and Marble Arch] and sometimes on call at Paddington Police Station. This time I think 1982 Michael Jackson came to London and booked a hotel I think it was the King David. He moved in with his entourage and his toys, and this hotel was around the corner to Marylebone Police Station.

A publicity stunt was arranged for him to come to Marylebone Police Station and he was pictured in a cell and to our amazement he wanted to see the black kitchen staff. He came to this kitchen with its tiled floor and bacon slicers, stainless steel sinks and so on and with a ghetto blaster performed for an hour.

I have always liked Michael Jackson's voice, his dancing. He then came to one of his songs I think it is called' Someday in Your Life ' as he sung it live [ there was only backing music on the tape] I began to sob as this song touches something very deep in me. He saw this and came over and laid hand on my shoulder. I looked into his eyes and saw something very special. In that moment I knew he had a special quality of awakening heart energy, despite all his eccentricities. His movement across the floor on a somewhat precarious surface was unbelievable.

I was struck by his childlike appearance in his special uniform suit he wore in those days. His hair was ridiculously plastered down and as I patted his head as he walked away and got a really greasy showbiz palm.

You're safe now Michael and when you perform for the angels and spirits they will always remember the shy and confused man on Earth but the free spirit they now have to entertain them. Keep on Keeping on.

Thank you folks for indulging in my personal stuff. Back to what in August?

Lots of Love. Geoff